Dear all the trash of america that want to eat in the establishment i work at.....

It just pleases me so much to serve you the millions of things you desire knowing that you can completly not afford it by all means. How do i know you cannot afford it you may ask, well by the way you leave absolutely nothing at all as a tip of course! Oh how I enjoy walking up to the checkbook and see the crossed out tip line, or better yet even a big zero written on the line all big like i can't read like you. Ha and don't think how i forgot about you sneaky little bastards who think by not signing anything you wont get charged, or writing the wrong total,which by law i cannot change( dont think i have tried:P) b/c you did not graduate 1st grade and cannot do easy math my 5 year old neice can do, or even leaving 1$ on 50$ ( might as well kept it i dont get it anyway, or better yet by writing "cash" on the line and not leaving anything. Hell i bet in your feeble little minds you think this works and you don't look like a total idiot and cheapskate to your significant other when your statement comes in the mail and your like " dope guess it didn't work".Oh wait thats right you dont care! And how much joy it brings to my life having to tip out on your check to all the food runners and bartenders, which in turn means i am actually paying for you to eat. Ha how marvelous! I love it so much! I love paying for you and your spawn to eat when i myself have to succumb to a liquid diet b/c i can't aford to eat myself. Or I can't forget how time and time again certain "people" continuosly live up to your stereotypes, which of course you are obviously completly aware of like the rest of the world is and dont act like you don't know what im talking about either. Sure sir i would love to bring you a hypnotic, oh wait you want a shot of patron top shelf straight up? no problem, no sir,sorry we don't have fried chicken or fruit punch but we have lemonade and wings! Sure sir i can bring you four waters. With lemons, no problem! Wait how many sugar packets do you need again?oh and you want how many orders of bone in BBQ wings and a side bottle of hotsauce? 5 more shots of patron for your friends, of course. What does 18% gratuity mean? Oh , for parties of 6 and more gratuity is already added. You didn't see that in bold letters on the menu sir? I'm sorry i forgot your kind can't read. Not a problem i will put everyone seperate even though you are paying cash and you are the one paying for everyone just so you make it so i can't grat you!That'll be 65.99$. Out of 70$ keep the change oh my god sir really gosh golly shucks it must be my lucky day, you mean your gonna let me keep that shiny penny right there! Aww you shouldn't have! No i mean it you shouldn't have and i espeacially love at how when i drop that big shiny penny back off to you, b/c let's face it you obviously need it more then i do, you take offence to the fact that i gave your "tip"back! Oh and did i mention that im sorry i put it right back in front of your dates side b/c i knew you would appreciate me showing of your gratuity skills to your date and the fact that your a big tipper! I knew she'd love that! But hell what am i kidding, half the time i know that you obviously can only attract other people like you so she probably doesn't care anyway! Man and i am not even going to start on the teenagers who come in b/c we all know that i am a personal water fountain who enjoys giving you a bottomless bucket of popcorn for all 8 of you to share and throw all over the floor and refill 8 times. And oh my god i almost forgot my #1 favoritest thing for you to leave me w/ instead of a tip is a Spit cup for your dip!!!! LOVE IT!!!! I love it spilling out all over me hand giving me aids, herpes, or whatever else you have. The slimy mess always puts a smile on my face and a tear of joy to my eyes. Yes i am also including the sneaky bastards from before who spit into a non see through cup that obviously gets reused over and over again for other customers, and dont say anything to me when you see me pick it up and it spills all over my apron. Merry Christmas to you too! So anyways i just wanted to express how much i love all you trashy,poor, elliterate, big spending, 5 family deep families for eating at my establishment! YOU ROCK MY WORLD!!!