Dear all the trash of america that want to eat in the establishment i work at.....

It just pleases me so much to serve you the millions of things you desire knowing that you can completly not afford it by all means. How do i know you cannot afford it you may ask, well by the way you leave absolutely nothing at all as a tip of course! Oh how I enjoy walking up to the checkbook and see the crossed out tip line, or better yet even a big zero written on the line all big like i can't read like you. Ha and don't think how i forgot about you sneaky little bastards who think by not signing anything you wont get charged, or writing the wrong total,which by law i cannot change( dont think i have tried:P) b/c you did not graduate 1st grade and cannot do easy math my 5 year old neice can do, or even leaving 1$ on 50$ ( might as well kept it i dont get it anyway, or better yet by writing "cash" on the line and not leaving anything. Hell i bet in your feeble little minds you think this works and you don't look like a total idiot and cheapskate to your significant other when your statement comes in the mail and your like " dope guess it didn't work".Oh wait thats right you dont care! And how much joy it brings to my life having to tip out on your check to all the food runners and bartenders, which in turn means i am actually paying for you to eat. Ha how marvelous! I love it so much! I love paying for you and your spawn to eat when i myself have to succumb to a liquid diet b/c i can't aford to eat myself. Or I can't forget how time and time again certain "people" continuosly live up to your stereotypes, which of course you are obviously completly aware of like the rest of the world is and dont act like you don't know what im talking about either. Sure sir i would love to bring you a hypnotic, oh wait you want a shot of patron top shelf straight up? no problem, no sir,sorry we don't have fried chicken or fruit punch but we have lemonade and wings! Sure sir i can bring you four waters. With lemons, no problem! Wait how many sugar packets do you need again?oh and you want how many orders of bone in BBQ wings and a side bottle of hotsauce? 5 more shots of patron for your friends, of course. What does 18% gratuity mean? Oh , for parties of 6 and more gratuity is already added. You didn't see that in bold letters on the menu sir? I'm sorry i forgot your kind can't read. Not a problem i will put everyone seperate even though you are paying cash and you are the one paying for everyone just so you make it so i can't grat you!That'll be 65.99$. Out of 70$ keep the change oh my god sir really gosh golly shucks it must be my lucky day, you mean your gonna let me keep that shiny penny right there! Aww you shouldn't have! No i mean it you shouldn't have and i espeacially love at how when i drop that big shiny penny back off to you, b/c let's face it you obviously need it more then i do, you take offence to the fact that i gave your "tip"back! Oh and did i mention that im sorry i put it right back in front of your dates side b/c i knew you would appreciate me showing of your gratuity skills to your date and the fact that your a big tipper! I knew she'd love that! But hell what am i kidding, half the time i know that you obviously can only attract other people like you so she probably doesn't care anyway! Man and i am not even going to start on the teenagers who come in b/c we all know that i am a personal water fountain who enjoys giving you a bottomless bucket of popcorn for all 8 of you to share and throw all over the floor and refill 8 times. And oh my god i almost forgot my #1 favoritest thing for you to leave me w/ instead of a tip is a Spit cup for your dip!!!! LOVE IT!!!! I love it spilling out all over me hand giving me aids, herpes, or whatever else you have. The slimy mess always puts a smile on my face and a tear of joy to my eyes. Yes i am also including the sneaky bastards from before who spit into a non see through cup that obviously gets reused over and over again for other customers, and dont say anything to me when you see me pick it up and it spills all over my apron. Merry Christmas to you too! So anyways i just wanted to express how much i love all you trashy,poor, elliterate, big spending, 5 family deep families for eating at my establishment! YOU ROCK MY WORLD!!!

Bartenders Expo

Do you really think that it is the best idea to devote a whole expo and day to all of the bar industry in Ohio? They do know right that the majority of all bar industry worker are raging alcoholics right?! All the free shots you could think of for "testing" purposes. Hell yeah!! It was like an alcoholics dream come true when me and some friends scored some tickets to this years event and we all shipped out in a rented van w/ a DD around noon. It didn't help that we had all met at the bar before hand and made sure to get an early start on the festivities! All in all it was pretty lame compared to other years, but hey can't complain about free booze! ha we even scored a free bottle of vodka that we were sure to pass around in the van on the way back! Me and Jess had to do a major distraction so Grant could score it off the table so the behind the back pass around worked like a charm. When alcoholics put their mind to it you would be amazed with what we can come up with. Anyways we took the party back to the bar afterwords for a little after party like we really needed it and of course Jess bailed out early which is what i should have done. But no, instead my wasted ass ended up spending like 200$ and had nothing but a hangover and a pile of vomit to show for it the next day! It didn't help that my sister kidnapped me from the bar and carried me off to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner when i was already wasted, im guessing it was so i could pay for it of course.

Very Random

           There was a knock at the door and Ronnie came out of the hallway to figure out what the sound was. We both looked at each other with a " are you expecting someone?" look. Nope so it was a surprise to me and i just looked at jessica and of course she was clueless as always! So when the voice at the door said "firemen open up" I was like what the hell! Anyway to make this long, drawn out story short, in walks Chris. Now keep in mind I haven't seen this random man since i was in 6th grade like eons(many) ago and we never really hung out much but somehow he decided it was an awesome idea to come over just when me and j were having our take out food and watching an interesting 20/20 segment on the amish practice of rumshpringa(probably mispelled). So whatever, I mean i'm all for visitors every now and then, hell i don't care at all but the whole thing was just completly akward in the first place! So he comes in and plants himself on the couch and grabs a beer! hmmmm....ok well then he starts talking and right at this moment her must've took his crazy pills b/c he starts RAGEING about how he is a war vet and just goes off about obama this and obama that and how bush is god yada yada yada blah blah blah. Meanwhile J is like completly glued to the tv trying to not look like this dude next to her could turn to her any minute and murder her. So now that he is realizing that no one is really listening to him anymore and everytime someone tries to talk over him he just gets louder! hmmmm....awesome right, doesn't help that Ronnie's gay ass is hiding in his room not helping anything and im just figiting around trying to look like im doing something other then sitting there listening to him. Anyways finally his drunk, post traumatic stress disordered ass settles down enough and randomaly turns towads J and asks if she is single. Really!!!so she blurts out no and somehow that was taken as an invatation to go on another rant about the war. I'm over it by this time so i start to hint that we might be leaving soon and he starts to get up talking about how he has to leave to go order a pizza or something. Finally my eardrums can stop bleeding for a minute. Alas he finally heads towards the door but not before taking another one of my beers, since he really needed one and all, and just as i think that his crazy ass is leaving he puts his foot in the door and percedes to tell me that he will be having a cook out and he will be back to kidnap me for it and closes the door. Did that really just happen i ponder?! Well when i turn around and see J's face and confused look i realize that yes indeed it did!

To the Prison Inmate Who Felt The Need to Contact My Best Friend....

.....just b/c you saw us on a certain "judge show"`doesn't mean that she is the "girl of your dreams" and you have the right to track down her address to write her a 6 page letter. Really sir, I know your lonely and all but just b/c you see her on the t.v doesn't mean you know her, are going to know her, or she wants to know you! Also by telling her that when she was little you know that she had dreams about how you were the one for her and yadda yadda yadda just proves that you are certifiably crazy and are in prison probably for stalking someone just like my friend and leads me to assure her for her safety that she should probably pass this on to some said law enforcement agency just in case in 2010, as you clearly told her, you get out and she goes missing, i will clearly know who did it.! Don't worry as well b/c when i heard my name was mentioned in it, I decided that i will be making copies for my enjoyment as well. Thanks and good luck with your time off for good behavior and hopefully you will lose her address. Thank god for p.o boxes!!!!!!

5 Reasons not to take a roadtrip with your pregnant bestfriend...

1. She might decide she has to stop every 5 seconds b/c her bladder has something sitting on it even though there is a perfectly good cup on the floor!!

2. You'll end up with brusies on your shoulder everytime you decide to change the radio station b/c the hormonal one decides to slap you in the shoulder, in the same spot, everytime you do! And don't sarcastically tell her she sounds like Mariah b/c the hormones take over and the filters in her eardrums tell her she does.

3. DO NOT under any circumstances make a single comment about her psycho baby daddy, even though they are still "not together" and he blames her hanging out with you on how their relationship suffers b/c god forbid it had anything to do with the fact he is a souless, psycho, inbreed carpetsalesman, and even though he can text whatever the hell he wants to about you. This is how you get chewed out and slapped b/c "you don't understand, you've never been in a serious relationship before" and especially DO NOT tell her that it doesn't take a trained monkey to realize what she has is not a serious relationship and that the whole reason for this trip is to " take care" of the situation he got her in in the first place.( ok maybe i deserved this slap)

4. DO NOT get tricked into " telling her what she really looks like" in the outfit she is wearing b/c no matter what you say it is going to be the oppisite and wrong and you are "just lying to her b/c you are her friend" and trying to make her feel good or "you don't know what you are talking about she still looks good", whatever just nod smile and go with it. Or my personal fav, walk away!

5. Most importantlly DO NOT take her out with you and your old friends from college and decide to go back to the old biker bar you used to work at and decide to get utterlly blizted to the point where you don't remember anything other then the fact that when you got back to the hotel room she decided to call the cops on you, knowing you were on probation, to have them almost take you in. Then have her cop an attitude with the short napolean looking police officer only to have him almost take her in as well. Then wake up in the morning only to have the fight start all over again and almost get left at the hotel 2 hrs. away from home crying on the sidewalk and finally get in the car and eventually make up again b/c like I said it's the hormones!

VERDICT: YOU'VE ALL BEEN WARNED! I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND TRYING THIS AFTER A LONG WEEK OF WORK! PREGANT GIRLS DO BITE!

Dinner at the Thirsty Pony

Get a look at this massive "Beer tube" as it's called. Good thing we decided to have a race with these this lovely night with two of them after drinking all day and hanging out at Cedar Point. Liz and I took on Angela and Ash( pictured), and let's just say those bitches can drink! Espeacially since this was towards the end of the night after shots and fufu drinks.The walk across the street to our hotel was a riot too!

"Milling" It

Is there a sign on my forehead that tells people that they need to "come out" to me? Especially everytime i go to " The Mill"?I'm really starting to get a complex from this? Honestly like i know im cool and laid back and stuff and am very blunt but seriously, it's getting out of hand! Espeacially when it just so happends to be every female server that i work with and decide to go get drinks with, no wonder the managers think im this crazy preditory lesbian! Ha, it is completly the other way around, I don't ever hit on any chick it's always the other way around! So when Ally finally admitted it to me, you know since i really wanted to know and all, that she perfered woman i can't say i was shocked but i did go back in my mind 3 hours before hand when we were shooting pool and the script was completly flipped and she said the oppisite. That's what makes me weirded out is that all these "straight " girls are one way and then we start having a convo and a cople of drinks and pow, the script is flipped. Damn if i would have known that it was easy enough as that to make someone change there views i would have had it so much easier back in my hotter days! Man if i only knew then what i knew now things would have been soooo much more different! LET ME TELL YOU!! I just find it so fascinating how all these straight girls are actually crooked arrows! Hell this all goes back to me theory on how everyone is bi only certain people act on it! Hell at this rate and with my track record this just gives me evidence that you don't need to go to gay bars to find someone at all, all you need to do is go to any f'in bar in town they're all gay to me, at least with me in them since i seem to only attract the straight girls and couples in there. Hell it's harder for me to find a man in a straight bar then it is to find another woman! I think my universe was just ment to be lived out backwords. Odd ain't it!